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Research and Investigation of the Paranormal

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June 29, '07
 
Still here, and still doing investigations. It's been very busy actually. I can't even find time for myself. I am, however, trying to set up a special outing this coming week, while my son is at camp. It's very hard to organize things with a 6 year old to look after. He is more important, and that's the way it should be.
It's also hard to find decent people these days. I've trained some people since my last submission, and have been very disappointed. How can you be so interested in this profession and also be so jumpy? Or, how can you think I would ask you back, if you disrespect others around you, living or dead? I won't.
I have a very high intolerance to those who lack common sense. I don't mean to, they just irritate me. I don't waste my time on those people. They are indecent and have no respect. They also make very poor decisions, especially when it comes to the safety of others. So, with all that said, I have openings to begin training for my upgraded crew. If you're interested, and can be relied upon, please feel free to send me some information about yourself. What's your experience? Any special gifts to offer? Skills? Talents? Anything you can offer pertaining to the position, I would like to know. I would also like to meet in person, before I go off into the darkness with you. I have a "sense" of people, right off, that has done me well in life, it also helps in the profession, when sensing spirits. You will need to be trustworthy, and respect the guidelines our organization has set, including the respect of the dead.
This profession can be very dangerous, scary, and fulfilling. Believe me. But you will not be paid, as an employee. This is a donation based business, put together to help people live with the spirits around them, or to help the spirits move on if possible. It's a charitible profession, though I do, occasionally, take the gang for drinks after a good "hunt".
We are low key, relaxed individuals, with very good morals and expect the same from you. This state of mind will save you, in many cases. Your strong spirit, is like off! to mesquitos, to bad spirits who attempt to inhabit you. If you are vulnerable, you are prey, and easy prey at that.
So let me know if you are decent and are interested in coming along! We'd LOVE to have you!

October 28, 06
 
Last Night, Me, Cindi, Dale and Tracy went to quite a few places.
We first went to Kevin Emerson's house, then,
to Jake's Bridge (since it was close), next,
we went to Saul cemetery, and lastly,
we went to the alledged "Witch's Grave" in Liberty Hill.
I had been wanting to go there for some time, and being that it was in the middle of no where's-ville, I was surprised I didn't get us lost.
We drove for some distance on a creepy country road, and passed a tiny cemetery ( "Mather", which we stopped by on the way back) before finally coming across the Bittick cemetery. It was funny how we just waltzed up to her grave first thing. It sort of drew me to it.
Alot of people had left valuables, as is custom, but some mean bastard left a pile of poo on her grave. I grabbed a card out of my wallet to move it aside, and Dale volunteered to be the one to fling it. When he did, most of it went forward, but some went behind him and to the side where abouts I was standing. I thought I heard it hit the ground. We walked around and I could still smell it, so I checked my shoes...nothing. We walked more and all of a sudden it dawned on me. I had poo on me. All over the side of my jacket. I wiped alot off on a nearby tree, and when I got back to the truck, I found a glob in my pocket and it got on my hand. All I could say was "DUDE!"
I wiped most of it off with a wet rag, but couldn't wait for antibacterial soap.
So that was our last stop. It was 40 degrees and I had no jacket anymore. But no hard feelings. Accidents happen and we all got a good laugh about the whole thing. And when we looked through the pictures of all the places we ventured, we realized we had gotten quite a few apparitions on camera. The screeching wail that was stated by the legend of Elizabeth Simpson's Grave, that many have heard, was nothing more than an owl. Sorry to disappoint.
I have many pictures to post, and much audio to go through, so I will keep you posted. Til then, Happy Hunting, and Happy Halloween.
Be safe and please, be respectful of the dead- and try not to defile their graves.
You wouldn't want poo on your eternal resting place.
Or on your jacket...trust me. 
 
By the way: The grave stone DID read, as legend states,
"Was borne and dide" (the date, I'll get back to ya on)
"But remember as yo are passing by
Yo all shall die as well as I"
Yes, the words were spelled just that way.

Liberty Hill
libertyhillwitchsgrave.jpg
"Witch"'s Grave

Check in "More Photos" for more spooky pictures
from this night

URGENT ATTENTION!
 

At the beginning of the summer, I had spoke with a woman, at Old settler's and she was briefed on what it is we do, and she agreed to let us in the historical house which serves as a bed and breakfast, but the hours were 9-5 mon-fri, and to come back. That was recorded. Then, today, I go, as I was excited, and this man was nothing but rude, when we asked about the house or appointments or anything, and as soon as we brought up that we are paranormal researchers (becaused he kept asking "why?")- he flew off the handle.

This place is historic, and open to the public. I wouldn't post anything without permission from the board, which, prior, had been given to me, hence the return.... But, I will say this.....

The man who actually made us leave the park (which I remind you is a public place, and we were not creating a disturbance....we are ALWAYS very respectful, regardless how rude some people are) was named Randy...Randy Michna. He is just groundskeeper- but the president is related to him somehow. I am going straight to her and the board, for how I was treated. He had even accused the lady I spoke with of making up stories of ghosts, when she did not. No stories were told, just hours and operation and information and of course, telling her who I was. I know it has spirits, because of the public historic structures I investigated last trip, and the evp I brought back, not to mention weird events.

My sister and I have decided, we are gonna book a room in the bed and breakfast.....

We may not post anything about it, not without written consent of the owners, but it is a personal interest, anyway.

You know how something will draw you.......

AUGUST!

I will be going to "long awaited" Old Settler's. The house and historical structures aren't open to the public after 5 or weekends so I hadn't been able to- but the kid is in school and I have no distractions....

Also, I will have to give you a history lesson, it's quite exciting.

Ya know, I have never been a big fan of history- usually put me to sleep, except the wars....and battles, only because....well, I actually don't know why, but I have great respect, and sympathy for those who fought for the right causes. In saying "right" causes I mean for the good of mankind in general and sustaining freedom for all. Got it?

But I guess, during my slumber I may have retained tons of information, because, my goodness, I KNOW stuff! I amaze myself everyday. And it isn't completely useless!

And dealing with spirits, you deal with history everyday- maybe not world history, but it's somebody's history.....

7-15-2006
 
This summer, During the history of the event of the hurricane in galveston, we will once again try to capture what we thought looked like bodies floating on top of the waves, at 4 o'clock in the morning.
 
My son will be attending school this fall, which means a new schedule!
I will be out investigating alot of historic places, like old settler's and government buildings downtown. Also, well known spots, more houses, and cemeteries at night.
I have many cases lined up, and in alot of cases (why they aren't on my site), is that they refuse to have it posted. (embarrased, mostly)
I have boundaries...I have to work within the law, folks. That, and in consideration for all people. I also have many folks, who just want to learn how. So, I have been more a teaching tool, more than anything, lately. Still, they end up calling on me....
It's all about how you approach it. I mean, people have to live with it in their home, and many know how to find out that spirits are present, but then what? I have had a small few, who actually mocked the spirits and paid a hefty consequence. Just as making strangers off the street mad, only they don't know where you live and sleep. As I always say, be respectful of everyone....You never know. And since we are all a part of one heavenly presence, anyway, best to get along and rejoice in everyone's differences...no matter how weird or ugly. So, you may not be able to stand one person, but you may only have to be around them for...even as less as a couple of minutes in traffic. Just don't hate, and definately don't be mean. You don't know ANYBODY if you think of it, and you'd never know their story. And lastly, is that the doctor that will be operating on you in the future? Hmmmm.
I observe people, as I have the ability to "feel" where others are coming from....actually, just their emotions. I sense them deeply. And each person out there, is literally, not so different. You can learn alot from everyone you come in contact with. That is also why I love children so much. I get lost in my own little world where all people are good and innocence is golden. I wish we could all think like children sometimes.

5-13-2006
 
  Went back to Jake's, but this time with my weed eater. Joe cleared a path all the way to the old bridge and was kinda disappointed it wasn't a whole bridge. I had gotten 25 minutes of Audio, before I dropped my recorder on the ground and it erased everything. Then, I turned it back on and got 20 more minutes, that proved worthy for the page. Lots of EVP.
  Alot has been going on recently, and haven't gotten it posted yet- but soon. Joe also has a new recorder, and is going through that. I hope to get all of the audio together soon, for you. As for video: All I managed to get was a skunk that was toodlin around Round Rock cemetery, where we also visited, but apparently, I never recorded audio. Joe did though. He's my hero.
So, I look forward to sharing it with you very soon. Don't lose hope on me!
  And now that I may have satisfied Joe's curiousity for Jake's Bridge, we plan on going on many more adventures elsewhere in the coming month.
Happy Haunting. Be safe. Be respectful, and by all means SHARE!!!

4-13-2006
 
Went on an "open investigation" with an old pal from High School. Went to Jake's bridge, as the newcomers usually want to check that place out. We got some evp, which I am going through and some video and pictures. We also went to the Hutto cemetery while we were there, and spotted some nice little easter bunnies running around out there, like someone just dropped them off. A white one and a brown one.
We also went to the bratton cemetery where I took the picture of the so called boy. Apparently, all I got was another stone. It just looks like a boy...So I apologize folks- we all make mistakes. I will be leaving the picture up for a very short time, to give you a look. I will be taking it off soon.

3-15-06
Recently, we went to a friends house to capture evp of her alleged phantom. I found that not only is there a man there, but also a little girl. I don't think they were happy to see me as most spirit rescuers will tell you, the ghosts feel threatened by your presence and rarely speak out the first time, though, I did see him, or shall I say, his shadow, going from room to room, and noticed a moving cold spot, as though he were trying to avoid me. I sensed him as soon as I reached the top of their stairs.
Upon entering their bedroom, which seemed to be one of two of his favorite places to hide, trying to chase his shadow...he touched me, ever so softly on my forearm. I managed to collect a few evps, but I would like to save it for our next visit to her house.
She is really trying to cope with the fact there is a ghost or two living with her, but really, it's like having a roommate. Unless of course, these spirits are evil or malicious. Stay tuned for more coming soon!
And to add to that- I just purchased a digital camcorder, with night vision, and you will soon be able to see streaming video of our ghostly friends, as soon as I catch one. Hurray!

12-1-05
  Well, as I had said before, The new house I am living in has a Man and a little girl spirit. I have been getting tons of EVP and shadows from them. I see them all the time and they like to play tricks. I hear them alot, too, and FINALLY so does my hubby, now and then. The other day, I caught her singing a beautiful lullaby- though I can't think of what it sounded familiar to. And I see their shadows, quite frequently now. And I had accepted a piece of furniture, recently, that until the other day- I hadn't realized it raps. A Knock here, a knock there. My son and I heard it loud one time, while watching tv, a bang, and him and I looked at the table, and then at each other. When I told hubby, and he was adament about agreeing. He isn't into this stuff, and refuses to believe, but that he did notice. And he has been so nice as to take me to a few spots. It seems my last tidbit of news never got posted......
Anyway, I am going through all  the evp and will be adding it to the site very shortly. Also, while I was in Junction, I managed to go to 3 cemeteries. One was an old veteran cemetery, though it had a couple Texas rangers buried there. And one was very large one....- and last, while at a rest stop, we noticed a cemetery in Johnson city, that we hadn't noticed before. The first time in 5 years of stopping there, every year and we just noticed it. It was tucked away in the back, called the Trinity Cemetery. It had a woman there with her 9 children all lined up beside her, from stillborn- a few years old. Was rather sad. I prayed over them, and also, found a grave with 2 angel wings laid on top, probably from a statue. Was real neat. So, I will keep you posted........Have safe and happy holidays!!!!

10-19-05
 
Went to only a few places this time, the night before we were trying out for the Rock Girl position for a local radio station and some of us had way too much to drink. Got plenty of pictures and EVP for ya, that I am going through now. At the Hutto cemetery we did say "hello" to one stranger and the windmill on her grave moved some, while their was no wind....... Look for evp, coming soon!

10-04-2005
 
I wanted to warn everyone, especially since it's so close to Halloween, that no matter how curious you are, please refrain from using the Ouija board. If you have one, get rid of it. It is not just a game but a very dangerous tool that invites, usually, malicious and "troubled" spirits into your lives. There are many opinions about this subject, but the majority standpoint is that it is dangerous to tamper with, and I do not recommend it. There are thousands and thousands more cases of possession, through the board, than any other. If a spirit wants to contact you, it will.....
The Exorsist was actually based on a true story, about a boy. He became possessed after his Aunt and his Mother had played the game.
It was first reported in the Washington Post on August 20, 1949
Suggested Reading: Ouija: The Most Dangerous Game by Stoker Hunt

9-17-2005
    Wow, was the moon beautiful, last night! You might be happy to know that I have collected a massive amount of EVP this trip. Most of the time we were chasing orbs and sounds of footsteps. We've got plenty of pictures of them, but as I said before, only certain orb photographs are worth putting on the page. One teammate captured the spirit of a little boy sitting on a tombstone, and she is going to send it soon. It was a late night, so we are all tired, achy, and slow today. First we went to Georgetown cemetery, and then ventured to a cemetery on 29, trying to find the Whitley cemetery (with no luck), then to one on 1325. After that, to the east side to be shut out of another.
    We took our new recruit to Jake's Bridge, her choice, and to the Emerson house (mine) where we seen him sitting within the ruins. And lastly, to two clients' houses, to try out our new ouiji board and do more investigating. I have to say, I am a little uncomfortable using the boards, and kind of skeptical, but I will watch and video tape it. By then, it was well after midnight, so we all decided to listen to what we got and scan through our digital cameras awhile and then go home for the night. I still have plenty of film to develop and EVP to go through. Soon enough, my friends.....

Despite what some kids nearby might say, New Hope and Cedar Park Cemeteries are NOT inhabited by troubled spirits. The only odd thing we've encountered, was a bird that pretended it was lame on a grave. We went to it and it got up and went to another. It acted the same way, strange. And soon after, we noticed it fly away. No video, no audio, no nothing. Sorry folks! Got a few really good leads....Only time will tell. Until then, I should let you know, there is a stranger in this "new" house I've moved into. Someone either followed me home or lived here since it was built in or before 1978.  He usually comes out and about around midnight til 1. He peaks in my bedroom door and I see shadows when there shouldn't be. And sometimes, it sounds like talking in my kitchen, but it usually sounds female....I let you know the more I find out....

I have investigated the rumor of Old Stoneridge Rd. There is NO "Donkey Lady" as far as we know, nor did we catch anything on audio or video. No orbs. No locking of the doors in the car, either. I drove blind for most of the way, too. BUT, I haven't developed my film yet. AND this is only the first investigation. But there is nothing in my research, other than rumor, that supports this story. It was also said that the cemetery nearby was just a children's cemetery. Well, that's not true either. It' called Tucker Cemetery and there is all ages there. If you have any evidence, or your own experiences, please send it to me.

I have been battling a collapsed lung and have been trying my best to get better, but I have scheduled some easy investigations until then. Also, I have finally obtained my DBA certificate!!! Now, I own this name!!!

 
July 21st, '05
 
I invited a friend of mine to come on a trip, going stir crazy, waiting for my lung to heal- and the plans fell through, but my sister wanted to go, so we went by her house, in Hutto. Hutto is evil, by the way- says our old friend Jake. But I agree.
Anyway, on with the story... We went to Jake's Bridge and this time it was beautiful. All of the plants had grown over, hiding the trash and bringing life there. We seen an armadillo, a rabbit, and lots of other neat wildlife, which made it nicer and more relaxing.
We stayed there for an hour and a half, so I am still going over the audio, soon to upgrade the page.
BUT, we also went to see a man who had had enough and burnt his house to the ground, held police and firemen back, firing a gun and then took his own life. I had already gone through the EVP and let me tell you, he's still "disgruntled". We were not welcome, and you can see why we think so - in the EVP section. I think I gave him a bad impression. I intend to go back and try to communicate more with him, on his level, with his perspective. Mind you, I never set foot in his house....it was dark, and unfamiliar, with all the rubble, so I went as far as his driveway. But there, I seen a boy and a girl statue....and the boy's head was knocked off, and no where to be found.
 
I have been out of comission with a "collapseable" lung and have been doing minimal research. I am still taking feedback and applications. I have recently over heard my grandfather over the recordings but do not feel right about adding them to the website.
 
Currently, I am going over hours and hours of recording from the old house. And my equipment is on it's way to Wisconsin, for a special investigation. This includes, my Grandfather's grave, my Grandmother's house, and the house on Pearl St. (Sparta).
When I was a child, I would spend my summers there. Everytime I would pass the house on Pearl st. I'd wave to the old lady in the attic window. Sometimes she'd be knitting or just sitting there watching the world go by. One day, I walked with a friend, and waved as I always had, at the old lady in the window, when my friend asked me what I was doing...and after explaining, her, her mother, my mother and my Grandmother have all said that that woman had been long dead! Since then, there has been numerous stories of this house, which remains vacant til this day.
 

 

Best Days for Finding Ghosts

(also good, 3 days before or after)

Full Moon – March 30
 
Full Moon – April 28
 
Full Moon – May 27
 
Full Moon – June 26
 
Full Moon – July 26
 
Full Moon – August 24
 
Full Moon – September 23
 
Full Moon – October 23
 
Full Moon – November 21
 
Full Moon – December 21

More on astral, and other events soon!

ALL Research stories:
 
 A long distant cousin from England, has purchased the House on Haunted Hill. He is restoring it, and plans on living in it, even after all the warnings. You can see this in the "personal photos" section. Enjoy!
 
For the 4 years I've lived in this house, strange things have been happening. Finally I decided to check into it- after just recently hearing voices, myself. Sure enough, there is! Just last night, though, (4/6) a thick shadow of a person, loomed over my husband as he slept. I didn't move, although it felt as though my kidneys were gonna burst if I didn't. After 15 minutes, it moved on..... Hear the EVP I collected so far.....
 
Friday, March 25
   My good friend Mike came up from San Antonio to check out more cemeteries. We went to Pond Springs Cemetery, and to Oak Grove Cemetery (which, I need to get authorization to enter), and on a wild goose chase for the Jollyville cemetery, which to my surprise is replaced by apartment complexes.
   While at the Pond Springs cemetery, Mike asked if I could take him to Jake's Bridge, and I have never hiked down there in the dark, so I agreed. While we were there, we both got bad vibes as soon as we got out of the car, but we proceeded down the most cleared trail. We were unafraid of phantoms, but very afraid of snakes. As one trail ended at the river, and the new trail to the old bridge started, my intuition left me standing still, staring off toward it. We both decided that it was a sign and to walk back. As we reach the car, we had this urge to shine the lights around a bit, where we saw big glowing eyes, staring at us. We tried to get it to turn away, like an animal would, but it stared us down for quite some time. We took pictures and stared back, we even made noises and it would not turn away......
    A bad storm was about to hit hard, so we went ahead and left, until the next day.
 
Saturday, March 26
    My sister invited my 2 friends Mike and Tim and myself to her Easter Bar- B- Q at her home. It was real nice. When we got there, I finally got to meet her friend Alex, who is very cool- and I would take her on any hunt she'd like to come on. And her friend John was there too- that I will NEVER take again.
   That morning my sister and I went to Jake's bridge alone, for an hour and a half! Just hiking around, and trying to find an animal hole for the eyes we saw and just investigate as much as we could for the time alotted before everyone woke up.
   But, before I knew it, I was taking them ALL to Jake's bridge to get pushed. It didn't turn out well, and they wanted to get out and hike. It was a near disaster and Alex almost fell in the river, which I knew someone was going in, I was just hoping it was someone else.
   I haven't listened to all of the recordings or developed the pictures, but I am working on it. Needless to say, I have learned a valuable lesson this trip, too.... Be wary of who you bring along. If they don't have a good heart or respect, best leave them behind.

   March 20 :
    My sister and I went to the Boggy Creek Masonic, where pressure was felt on my shoulder, as if a hand rested there. My sister experienced "something" holding her hand as we walked, and as we left, we both felt this sort of "buzz" as if our energy was vibrating. All we obtained were whispers, so far.
    We then went to 183 & 71's Davidson Cemetery, also hearing more and different whispers. It is said, that it couldn't be moved because spirits would not allow it. So they built all around it, leaving it in the middle of all the highways! My mother was a part in building that part of the Highway.
     Afterwards, my sister got food poisoning from the Subway there, and she had to be taken home, where I then ventured out alone...... (Which you should NEVER do!)
     I went to Jake's bridge, against many peoples' wishes, and before I got down to the river, I heard someone trying to break into my car, and had to cut it short. I decided to go to the Saul cemetery, because it was promising. While there, I moved a bent rod, that was stuck in the ground facing the field, towards my truck, and before I left, I looked back and it had moved back to face the field!
    My next  stop was at the Palm Valley Cemetery and church, where I got tons of whispers and an "over here" after asking who may need help....
     And lastly, I stopped at Old Settler's Park. And after the sun started to go down, I smelled horses and old English leather. The wind was coming from the road and there were no horse ranches for a few miles. The people there were very nice and offered to take me through the house, during the week, for more investigation.
    All in all, it was a fun but unproductive day. Partly because, the most vivid occurances seem to pretty much happen at dusk, so I got almost nothing. Nothing, though, substantial enough for the webpage. And of course, the downer of Jennifer getting so sick. What I mean is, I felt bad for her and was sad to see her go, incase there were some miscommunication.... Added advice: Be very cautious of how your food is prepared.... Better to prepare it yourself, and if you don't trust it, don't eat it.
 
February 27, 2005:Starting @ 5pm-
   We went to Jake's Bridge again, with all our equipment in tow. My sister and I decided it would be just me and her, this evening.
   First, we stopped at Hutto cemetery and took lots of pictures of whatever had captured our attention at the moment, including a large crow that beckoned us to 2 different tombstones. Then, we went to a cemetery with no name, that lies just after passing Jake's Bridge, on the left. We abide by the law, and did not trespass, but took pictures from the gate and drive-way.
  We parked by Jake's Bridge and got all of our equipment out, and proceeded to hike toward the "old" bridge that Jake allegedly hung himself from, through alot of sticks. It was day still and easy to see our way around. We noticed a dead dog skin hanging from a tree, with it's bones picked apart, on the ground below it. And as we got closer to the "old" bridge we noticed very green moss we had not noticed anywhere else along the river. And I lost my footing and felt as if I was being pushed from behind, on my back pack, into the river, at one point. But held myself up, with slight resistance from something, to a tree branch nearby.
   We talked to each other, keeping our minds busy, because things generally happen when you least expect them and I, of course, expected them the least.
   After our nice hike, we manage to use 30 minutes of audio, on my brand new recorder- and thought it'd be best to come at night, and do video. Besides, we wanted to go to Sweden, so we could take pictures to say we've been there- as we will in other parts of Texas (ex: Paris, Los Angeles, San Diego, Tx).
   One the way we stopped at the Saul cemetery, but got nothing out of the ordinary- except one headstone read of a woman, her birth and death and then said "by husband"....but where was his birth and expiration date- or name, for that matter....Did HE kill her?
   Anyway, we went back and put our truck in Neutral as we had before, while video taping, and was pushed faster than in Oct. but still as though by a person.
  We thought it best to come back at the "Witching Hour" where a few of the residents' stories happened....but the weather was about to change, AGAIN, and after hearing the recording, we thought we best not.
   I only added the segments of the audio that you could clearly hear SOME THING or SOME BODY other than us. Feel free to check it out in the "EVP/Video" section.
 
After many extensive investigations, we have come to the conclusion that Rhodes Cemetery, on Pond Springs Rd. is NOT haunted.
Finally Decided: 3-14-2005
 
Oct. 30, 2004- We ventured to Jake's Bridge in Hutto, just to play around, and see if we'd get pushed across while in Neutral. It WAS the day before Halloween after all... and a couple days after a Lunar Eclipse, which any ghost hunter will know, the energy is strongest then.
  I took in all my surroundings. The bridge was definately flat, and we were definately still and in neutral. There was a dog barking, constantly nearby, and it was "sticks" all around. Then, a loud pounding sound came- the dog stopped barking, and I realized it was in the rythm of a heart beat (and loud) and all three of us heard it. In our heads and in our chests. But our own hearts were surprisingly calm. It filled me with an overwhelming fear, a fear as though I was introuble and about to recieve my punishment, but this fear was not my own. And the car WAS rolling, from a standstill, exactly as though we were being pushed....
  I heard the stories of Jake, and what cemetery he is buried in. I believe the story of him during the Depression, he was a cotton farmer who went completely broke and destitute, and murdered his wife and 2 kids....then hung himself, on the bridge that stood there originally. I feel it was because he had realized what he had done. I am particularly sensitive to "telempathy", and my senses are quite strong, as well.
   A house nearby is also said to be haunted by his ghost. And I also intend to find out this man's mysterious last name......
   More investigations of this site will be done soon, I will keep you posted.
And once I learn how to stick my video on here, I can show you. You can here the pounding too- and see the car, in neutral, moving, with no one pushing, and of course, the beautiful and spooky orange moon that followed us, wherever we went.

Frequently updated.

" To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die"